i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team