it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.