i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking