Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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