:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
