You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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