I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
