so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
