you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i came on her dog
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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