I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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