oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
