Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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