I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
