She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
