You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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