he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
