You're completely useless in the revolution.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
