im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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