i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
sarcasm needs its own font
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
