when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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