my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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