i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize