My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Help. Why am I so naked?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
