this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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