glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
