from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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