Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
