Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
