i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
