we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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