Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
