Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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