He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
