she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
