If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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