You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
