So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
