did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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