she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
