you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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