how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
