quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I love you.
Bad choice
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