Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
