he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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