Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
