Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
