Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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