you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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