I'm going to rape someone's good day.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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