i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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