was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm sobbing to NWA
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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