how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
