i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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