"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
