By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
