I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
