i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
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he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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