We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
