i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
