do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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