he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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