can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
