OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
