I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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